Kyle's a Man
by Angelic Guardian
Summary: Today is Kyle's bar mitzvah, which means he's officially become a man. Everyone knows men only want one thing. Cartman is his victim. Oneshot.


**Author's Note: **Today is Matt Stone's birthday. So happy birthday, Matt (and Kyle)! :D

I had to do a little research about bar mitzvahs for this oneshot, since I'm not Jewish, and I've never been to one before.

Also, in case it isn't clear, the kids are 13 years old in this. And, I gotta say, writing them at that age was _very_ fun to do. 'Cause they're aaaaaall going through puberty. Need I say more? ;D So you can blame Kyle's bold behavior on his new raging teenage hormones. XD

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of these characters; Matt and Trey do.**  
**

* * *

_Kyle's a Man  
_

* * *

Today was the day. The day Kyle Broflovski became a _man. _A not-so-tall, not-so-strong man that still had to go to school, and do homework, and obey his parents_,_ and put up with his idiotic friends—namely Cartman—but a man, nonetheless.

Kyle stopped fiddling with the maroon tie he'd been adjusting for the past five minutes, officially giving up on trying to fix it. He turned to look at the floor length mirror that was hanging on the door of his bathroom. He stared at his own reflection, his bright green eyes fixed on himself. He looked up at the white yarmulke that sat atop his green hat, frowning a bit at how unbelievably fucking stupid it looked. He wasn't even supposed to be wearing his hat today. The only reason he _was_ wearing it was because his crazy red Jewfro was way too big for the small yarmulke to fit on top of it.

His eyes moved down to gaze at his brand new black suit that had been bought and professionally tailored just for this special occasion. His crisp white, button down shirt was tucked into his waistband, which, he had to admit, looked pretty good, even though it didn't exactly _feel_ too good. He tugged at the buttons on his wrist in annoyance. They were fastened so tightly together that he was sure they were cutting off his circulation, which was only making him feel even more uncomfortable than he already was. He let out a small sigh.

He didn't really…_feel _like a man.

_'Not yet, anyway,'_ he thought as a wicked grin slowly formed across his lips.

* * *

"And so," Gerald Broflovski said proudly, a glass of water raised in one hand, and a microphone in the other, "on this day, we congratulate Kyle for becoming a 'Son of Commandment.' I know he'll honor the title and continue to make his mother and me very proud." He looked over at his son, who was standing beside him, and smiled. "So, Kyle, for today and the rest of your life, I wish you only the best." He held up his glass higher in the air. _"Mazel tov!"_

_"Mazel tov!" _the large crowd of Kyle's relatives echoed back. They broke out into a cheerful, thunderous applause that practically shook all the glasses on the tables._  
_

Everyone watched as Gerald embraced Kyle in a warm hug, followed by Sheila, whose hug was much more powerful and bone-crushing than it was gentle. Kyle wrapped his arms around his mother's thick torso and squeezed back as hard as he could, cringing a bit at the overwhelming scent of her perfume. He was relieved when she finally pulled away. Sighing, he slowly made his way over to one of the round tables where his friends were sitting, all of them dressed nicely in their respective suits.

"Congrats, dude," Stan said with a smile, reaching his hand out to give Kyle a pat on the back.

"Thanks, dude," Kyle said as he took a seat next to him.

"S-So, Kyle," Jimmy stuttered from across the table. Kyle looked up at him, trying his hardest _not_ to stare at the large red zit that was growing on the handicapped boy's forehead. "H-How was the…cerr…how was the _cerrr_…how was the cer-emony?

"It was all right," Kyle answered, shrugging indifferently. "I had to read this really long passage from the Torah."

"Did you mess up?" Clyde asked in that dull voice of his, which was sounding a lot lower nowadays.

"Nah, not really," Kyle said. "I practiced it a lot."

"So…what, you're like…a man now, or something?" Craig asked in his usual nasally tone, his new silver, metal braces flashing as he spoke.

"Well…yeah, technically," Kyle replied, secretly wondering to himself why everyone was so interested in this subject all of a sudden, especially since they showed absolutely _no_ interest in it before. "According to Jewish law, I am."

"Oh, geez," Butters said nervously, rubbing his fists together in that annoying way of his. Puberty had been very unkind to him. Out of all of the boys in their class, he was the one with the most acne all over his face. The blonde boy had tried covering it up with various ointments and prescribed medication, but none of them seemed to work on his severely blemished face. If anything, they only made his face worse.

But then again, it was Butters. He _was_ the unlucky one.

"What?" Kyle asked, somewhat out of curiosity, but mostly out of annoyance.

"W-Well, it's just…you gotta be careful now, Kyle," Butters advised him. "Now that you're a man, you can't be…well, you know."

Kyle blinked. "Um, no," he said bluntly. "I _don't_ know."

Butters' eyes widened a little bit. His voice became quieter when he said his next words.

"You can't be…stickin' your wiener i-in everything."

Everyone at the table simultaneously froze, their facial expressions all changing to looks of either surprise, disgust, or just plain amusement. They were all dead silent, staring at Butters like he was retarded.

Kenny was the first to break the silence amongst the table by chuckling loudly beneath his orange parka.

"Yeah, Kyle," he said, nudging him in the side with his elbow, "watch out for those pussies. They can be fucking toxic."

Kyle glared at Kenny, but he didn't say anything. He luckily didn't have to, though, since his best friend decided to speak up for him.

"Dude, stop being stupid, Kenny," Stan said, mildly embarrassed at his friend's immaturity. Sure, they were all pretty much used to it by now, but sometimes the things Kenny said were a little _too_ much.

"Y-Yeah, Ken, vaginas aren't t-t-t-toxic," Jimmy stammered.

"You'd be surprised, man," Kenny said nonchalantly. "Hey, speaking of vaginas…" That certainly wasn't a good way to change the subject. "Where's that bitch of yours, Stan?"

Stan looked taken aback.

"Who, Wendy?" he asked stupidly, as if he didn't already know.

"Oh, yeah," Kyle spoke up, turning his head to look at Stan. "Why aren't you sitting with her, dude?"

Stan looked at Kyle briefly before diverting his gaze from him. He looked down at the table, his eyes fixed on the blue tablecloth and th_e extremely_ interesting silverware.

"I, uh…" he said meekly, "I don't really wanna talk about Wendy…"

Kyle, along with everyone else, just kept staring at Stan with skeptical looks on their faces.

"But…she's your girlfriend," Kyle pointed out.

"I know, but…" Stan started, but he trailed off. He sighed, finally looking up at everyone again. "She's been acting really, _really_ bitchy lately."

"You mean…bitchier than usual?" Craig asked.

Stan glared in Craig's direction, and the braces-wearing boy responded to the look by flipping him off on instinct.

"Dude, come on, she can't be _that_ bad," Kyle said.

"You don't know, Kyle," Stan said, sounding a little scared. "The other day at school, I asked her what was wrong, and she fucking _lashed out_ at me like a…like a werewolf or something."

"Ooh," Butters said, looking intrigued. "Did she grow fangs?"

"No, she just screamed at me for like, five minutes, and then she told me to fuck off," Stan said. "I haven't talked to her since."

"Well, did you do something that might've gotten her mad?" Token asked.

"No, I didn't do anything," Stan answered. "So I really don't get why she's all pissed off at me for no reason."

"M-M-Maybe she's on her p-p-p-_peeeer_-iod," Jimmy said.

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Her period?"

"It's when girls bleed out their–"

"Dude, I _know_ what a period is, Clyde!" Stan said quickly, already disgusted. "I have an older sister, you know."

"Wait, b-bleed out their what?" Butters asked in a curious tone.

"Their vag," Kenny answered casually.

"Ohhh," Butters drawled. "Well, Jesus, so that's _another_ reason for me to stay away from bush…"

Stan shook his head in disappointment.

"Dude…" he started to say, but he stopped himself when he heard someone calling his name from somewhere behind him. A familiar loud, screeching voice…

"Staaaa_aaaan!"_

Stan's eyes widened as all the blood instantly drained from his face.

"Shit!" he swore. His hands shot out to grab Kyle by the collar. "I TOLD YOU TO HIDE ME!" he shouted in a panicked voice, shaking Kyle back and forth violently.

Kyle blinked a few times, staring at him with a perplexed look on his face.

"Um, no you didn't, dude," he said matter-of-factly.

Stan heard his own name being called again.

"Goddammit!" he screamed, letting go of Kyle. He decided then that he'd just have to make a run for it. Unfortunately for him, the second he got out of his seat, he was already too late. When he turned around, he was standing face-to-face with…

"Oh, u-uh…hey…Wendy," Stan said nervously, giving her a halfhearted wave.

Wendy just stood there, her hands on her much wider, curvier hips and her eyebrows lowered, glaring at him with so much intensity in her eyes, it was as if she was about to rip his head off at any given moment.

"Ooh, he's screwed," Craig muttered under his breath, and a few of the boys sitting near him simply nodded their heads in agreement.

"Where the _hell_ have you been, Stan?" Wendy demanded.

"I-I, uh…" he said, absentmindedly backing away from her. He only managed to take a few steps backwards, though, before his back hit against the table.

Wendy leaned in closer to him.

"Have you been _avoiding_ me?" she asked, her brown eyes narrowing at him.

"Who, _me?_" Stan asked. He was feeling really uncomfortable, to say the least. "N-No, of course…of course not."

The angry look on Wendy's face slowly started to change then, her mouth curving upward into an evil yet seductive-looking smirk.

"Good, because…" she started, although she didn't bother to finish that sentence as her hands suddenly left her hips to latch onto the front of Stan's suit jacket. And before he even had the chance to protest, she roughly pulled him in towards her, her lips connecting with his in a heated kiss.

Several of the boys gasped, some raising their eyebrows, and some tilting their heads, but all of them looking surprised.

"Whoa," Butters said in amazement. He glanced around at everyone. "Do _all_ girls do that when they're on their periods?"

Wendy abruptly broke the kiss, allowing both herself and Stan to catch their breaths. They were panting loudly, Stan's mouth still parted open and his blue eyes wide, gaping at Wendy. She grinned at the look on his face, finding it utterly adorable. Her hands slowly slid from his jacket down to his own hands. She grabbed one of them, squeezing it tightly in hers.

"Let's go," she said as she started pulling Stan with her, dragging him off to God knows where.

As soon as they were gone, Kenny turned himself back towards the table and said in a completely unashamed voice, "Damn…she's growing a nice pair of tits."

Everyone else muttered a few vague words of agreement, aside from Kyle, who simply rolled his eyes. He wasn't really interested in that kind of stuff.

In girls_,_ that is. He wasn't interested in girls.

Now _boys,_ on the other hand…well…that was an entirely different story…

"Kyyyyyllllle!" came a familiar whiny voice, one that immediately caught Kyle's attention. He turned to see his little brother, Ike, approaching him.

Kyle let out an annoyed sigh.

"What is it, Ike?" he asked.

Now that he was getting older, Ike was definitely becoming way more of an obnoxious little know-it-all. Of course, being a seven-year-old, he was still just a little kid, which meant he was a total pain in the ass. He was always so full of energy now, and he _always_ insisted on bothering Kyle at the worst possible times, like when he was trying to do his homework, or study, or…

Well, mostly school-related things. But still, he was annoying, and it pissed Kyle off.

"Your fat bastard friend keeps stealing all the food!" Ike said in his bratty tattle-tale voice.

Kyle felt his heart jump a little, but on the surface, he pulled his usual face of anger.

"Son of a bitch," he said quietly as he got out of his seat, slowly making his way over to the buffet table with Ike tagging along behind him. He stopped when he spotted Cartman, freezing for a split-second before catching himself and slapping a pissed off look on his face as he walked up to him.

"What are you doing, fatass?" Kyle asked.

Cartman froze, glancing up from the food that he was piling onto his plate to look at Kyle.

"What?" he asked innocently. "It's a buffet, isn't it? God, I just wish you had better shit to eat than this crappy kosher Jew-food of yours…"

Eric Cartman definitely hadn't changed much since the fourth grade. He was still the same manipulative asshole who loved coming up with ridiculous schemes that only _he_ benefited from. He still got under Kyle's skin more than anyone, and he was, of course, still an overweight son of a bitch.

Well…he wasn't _as_ overweight as he used to be. He was still fat, yeah, but he was a lot taller now, and therefore growing more into his weight. His voice was starting to get deeper, too. And his hair was somehow looking a lot shinier, fuller, softer…

He was kinda, sorta, not really, almost, more or less, maybe just a little…

Hot.

Yeah. He was hot. Kyle had to admit that. Yes, he was a total fucking douche bag, but…for some insane reason, Kyle was attracted to him. And whenever the two of them started getting into their intense arguments with each other—which was a good three or four times a week, at least—Kyle would always find himself getting…aroused.

At first he was embarrassed by it, and even a bit disgusted with himself—because it was _Cartman_ for God's sake—but he eventually started getting used to it. And now, well…

He kind of liked it. Although he'd never, _ever_ admit it to anyone, he actually enjoyed getting all riled up, his blood rushing throughout his body in an angry frenzy, only to result in him getting very, _very_ turned on by it. And Cartman was the only person who could get him so worked up like that and later bring him to that awesome, stimulating feeling of complete and utter arousal.

But there was no way in hell that Kyle was ever going to let _him_ know that. He could only imagine what Cartman would do if he ever found out he had _that_ much power over him…

"Dude, the buffet is for _everyone,_ asshole. Not just you," Kyle said angrily. He could already feel his heartbeat starting to quicken inside his chest, his blood pulsing excitedly through his veins.

The taller boy narrowed his dark eyes at him before simply turning his head away, looking down at the food again.

"Fuck off, Jew," he said bitterly. "I mean, it's bad enough you forced me into _not_ ripping on you for this whole gay bar mitzvah thing. Seriously, it's like, totally unfair. I had all these awesome jokes, too…" He paused, an interesting thought suddenly crossing his mind. "You know, I oughta sue your ass for censoring me like this. Because that's what you're doing, Kahl. You're stopping me from fully expressing my hatred of your lame Jewish culture. And that's called censorship, my friend. And that's not cool. That's not cool at all, Kahl."

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows. Because, dude…what the fuck?

"That's enough food for you, tubby!" Ike spat out of nowhere, walking in front of his older brother.

Cartman's eyebrows lowered, a harsh look forming on his face.

"_What_ did you call me, you little faggot?" he asked in a threatening tone.

But Ike didn't back down. He was just as stubborn as Kyle.

"I called you tubby," he answered, not even the least bit scared of Cartman's supposed threat. "Whatcha gonna do about it, tubby?"

Cartman's hands clenched into fists. "You little bitch!"

He was just about to lunge himself at Ike when Kyle suddenly stepped in, using his hands to hold Cartman back by placing them on top of his broad shoulders.

"All right, all right, take it easy, fatass," he said, resisting the sudden urge to move his hands lower and explore the rest of Cartman's large body. "Just…" He trailed off, somehow forgetting what he was just about to say. He was definitely starting to get distracted, but he tried his best not to make it obvious. "Just…leave my little brother alone. Yeah."

Luckily for him, Cartman didn't seem to notice the way Kyle was acting, since he was too busy glaring at his little brother.

Ike stuck his tongue out at him.

"See ya later, tubby," he said just to piss Cartman off one last time before he turned around and walked away from them.

Cartman mumbled something under his breath that sounded like, "Stupid little Canadian cocksucker…" but after that, he fell silent, his eyes darting forward to look at Kyle. It was at that moment that Kyle suddenly became _very_ aware of just how closely they were standing in front of each other. His hands shot back to his own body, his long arms falling back down to his sides, and he managed to give Cartman a scowl. He decided not to say anything, though, and instead simply walk back over to his table. As he was getting closer to it, he slowed down his pace, stopping altogether when he saw someone new sitting at the table.

"And so I told the stewardess about my condition. I said, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but I can't eat this soup with a spork, because my taste buds are overly sensitive and the slightest poke will make them pop and start to bleed, and then my mouth will get all sticky, and it'll just be a huge mess inside there.' I just, I don't understand why she laughed at me after that…"

Kyle's cousin Kyle.

His whiny, obnoxious, completely disgusting, and insanely annoying cousin.

"Oh, look, Kyle's back!" Kenny said with an overwhelming sense of relief. "Thank fucking God…"

Kyle's cousin turned around. Yup, it was definitely him all right. With that massive curly brown hair of his, and his huge thick-framed glasses that made his eyes look a lot bigger, and his mouth hanging open as he noisily breathed in and out.

Yeah, Kyle totally missed this kid _so_ fucking much.

"Oh, _there _you are, cousin!" his cousin said in excitement as he carefully got out of his seat and walked up to Kyle. "I've been looking everywhere for you! Sorry I'm late, though. I had to stop by one of those drug stores to pick up some bandages 'cause I got blisters on my fingers when I stepped off the plane, and I couldn't walk around with those little cuts on my fingers, 'cause, you know, they could get infected, and I didn't bring my special ointment with me."

Kyle just stared at him, a dumbfounded look on his face.

"That's…that's okay, dude," he said with uncertainty. "So, uh, how've you been? I haven't seen you in a while."

"Oh, I _know_, it's been terribly long, cousin!" Kyle's cousin said, reaching up to adjust his glasses. "I told Aunt Sh_aaa_yla and Uncle Gerry that I should come visit you guys more often, and they said it sounded like a wonderful idea."

"That's nice…" Kyle said, inwardly cringing at the thought. Honestly, once or twice a year was _more_ than enough time for them to see each other. "Hey, why don't you go say hello to Cartman?"

"What, you mean right now?" his cousin asked.

Kyle tried to hold back a smirk. "Yeah, right now is perfect."

"Well, all right then," his cousin said. He was just about to leave when Kyle suddenly stopped him.

"Oh, dude, wait," he said, stealthily looking back and forth before leaning in to whisper something in his ear.

His cousin's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "But why?"

"Just do it," Kyle said impatiently.

His cousin slowly walked away from him to go find Cartman. He spotted the boy from across the room, walking in his direction and holding a plate that was piled high with various foods.

"Hello, there, Eric!" he greeted cheerfully. "Remember me? Gosh, you got awfully tall since I last saw you. Have you been eating more protein or something? I really should be doing that…but, you know, I can't eat a lot of dairy products, 'cause they give me g_aaa_s."

Cartman nearly dropped his plate of food.

"Oh. Kyle. It's so…nice to see you," he ground out, biting his tongue at the many insults he so desperately wanted to throw at him.

"Well, thanks, it's nice to see you too, Eric," Kyle's cousin said with a creepy, awkward smile.

"Cool," Cartman said, still fighting the insults. "Well, I'm just gonna go…sit down now…"

"Oh, all right. Do you need some help carrying that plate?" Kyle's cousin asked.

"No, no, I'm fine," Cartman said, taking a step to the side so he could walk around him.

"Are you sure? 'Cause, I mean, it looks kinda heavy," his cousin said. "I wouldn't want you to drop it and spill the food everywhere. Those stains would be really hard to get out of the carpet, you know."

"I'm _fine,_" Cartman repeated sternly, growing more and more annoyed by the second.

"No, here, let me just…" Kyle's cousin reached for the plate, grabbing onto it with both hands. Cartman instinctively jerked the plate towards his own body, which unfortunately didn't work out in his favor, since the second he did that, all the food that was piled on top of it came falling down.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman screamed as the food spilled all over him.

"Oh, Jaayzus!" Kyle's cousin said frantically, flailing his arms in the air. "Oh, geez, I'm terribly sorry, Eric! I didn't mean to do th_aa_t!"

Cartman gave him an extremely deadly-looking glare before simply shoving the plate into the other boy's hands. He started muttering obscenities to himself as he stormed off, heading towards the bathroom. Kyle's cousin just stood there, staring down at the plate with a dumb look on his face. His eyes fell further down to look at the floor.

"Oh, Gawd, it's all over the carpet! Aunt _Shaaayla!" _he called out, clumsily running off to go find her.

Kyle, who was still standing near his table, saw Cartman stomping towards the bathroom, and he slowly broke out into a sly smirk.

_'Perfect.'_

He waited until Cartman was no longer in sight before he casually began making his way towards the bathroom, trying his hardest to remain calm and hold himself together. He could feel his nerves building up with each step, the energy inside of him getting increasingly more intense. He knew it was about to be unleashed in a matter of seconds, and the thought of what he was planning on doing was only making him feel more anxious. He stopped when he reached the bathroom door, standing perfectly still for a moment as he took a deep, steady breath and exhaled it slowly.

_'Here goes nothing.'_

He reached for the doorknob, placing his hand on it and just leaving it there, contemplating what he should do. Maybe he should knock first…?

Nah, screw it. That wouldn't be as fun.

With a new found sense of confidence, Kyle turned the doorknob, feeling both surprised and excited to see that it was actually _turning._ Wow, Cartman _would_ forget to lock the door. Idiot. He heard some shuffling behind the door, and without stopping to think, he pushed it open all the way. His eyes practically lit up when he saw Cartman in all of his fatass glory, standing near the white porcelain sink, his brown suit jacket draped over his arm and the water running as he was furiously scrubbing out his tie.

_"__WHAT THE_ _FUCK, KAHL?__"_ Cartman shrieked as soon as the door opened. He jumped backwards, his jacket falling right off his arm and landing on the dirty floor as Kyle walked right in, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Quiet, fatass," Kyle said in a surprisingly calm voice. "People are gonna hear you."

Cartman stared at him, wide-eyed and mouth agape, looking too shocked and scared to really be pissed off.

"Why the hell are you in here, Jew?" he asked. "Seriously, the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you know how to knock?"

"Don't _you_ know how to lock the fucking door?" Kyle asked back. He quietly reached behind himself to do just that, hoping that Cartman wouldn't notice the sound of the doorknob clicking.

He didn't.

"Well, would you _mind_ fucking telling me just what the _hell_ you think you're doing?" Cartman asked irately.

Kyle didn't say anything, though. Instead, he took a moment to look Cartman over, trying to study his every detail. His perfectly combed hair was now looking a lot more disheveled, the light brown strands sticking out in all different directions. His previously clean white shirt was now completely drenched in sauce, and his perfectly straightened tie was now hanging loosely around his neck.

"Huh," Kyle said, suddenly noticing something kind of interesting. "We're wearing the exact same tie."

Cartman raised an eyebrow, his head tilting slightly.

"What?" he asked in utter confusion.

"Yeah, look," Kyle said as he finally stepped away from the door and walked towards Cartman. He untucked his own tie from his suit jacket and held it up to Cartman's. "Same maroon color."

Cartman stared down at the matching ties for a few seconds before looking up at Kyle.

"So?" he asked.

Kyle shrugged, tucking his tie back in.

"I don't know," he said. "I just think that's kinda weird."

Cartman furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes narrowing.

"_You're_ kinda weird, Jew," he spat. "Now would you kindly get the fuck out of here? I have to clean myself up thanks to your fucking faggy cousin for making me drop my food all over myself."

Kyle folded his arms over his chest, a mischievous smirk dancing across his lips.

"Yeah, I don't think that stuff's gonna come out, Cartman," he said with a faint chuckle in his voice. His tone went completely serious for what he said next. "You should probably take your shirt off."

Cartman's eyes _really_ widened then, which only made Kyle smirk wider.

"Whoa, whoa, Kahl," Cartman said hastily, holding up his hands and promptly backing away from him. He didn't exactly give himself much more space, though, since the bathroom wasn't very big. He only managed to end up successfully backing himself into one of the corners of the tiny room before realizing that he was totally fucking trapped now. His eyes grew even wider as Kyle started advancing towards him. "The fuck is going on with you, Jew?" he asked, starting to feel a little nervous. "Seriously, are you like…are you coming on to me or something?"

Kyle stopped right in front of him, the smirk never leaving his lips. He was _so_ enjoying how freaked out Cartman looked right now.

It was kinda turning him on.

"Maybe," Kyle said in a suggestive tone.

Cartman desperately wished he wasn't pressed against the wall, otherwise he'd definitely be running like hell by now. He brought his arms down to either side of him, pressing his hands into the wall as he tried to lean away from Kyle as far back as he physically could.

_"You're coming on to me?"_ Cartman repeated, emphasizing every single word, since his brain was having _a lot _of trouble wrapping around even the slightest possibility of that actually happening.

Oh, but it was. It definitely, _definitely_ was.

Kyle slowly uncrossed his arms, his hands snaking towards the hem of Cartman's pants. The sudden touch of Kyle's hands on his waistband caused the larger boy to flinch violently.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME?" Cartman screamed, but one of Kyle's hands shot up to cover the taller boy's mouth.

"Shut up," Kyle hissed, his other hand sliding up to work on unbuttoning Cartman's shirt. He managed to get the first one unbuttoned, which wasn't easy, since the brunette boy was making it _very_ difficult for him by squirming around and screaming out muffled cries into his hand. "Goddammit, fatass, stop moving around so much. I'm trying to fucking help you here."

Cartman finally brought his own hand up, prying Kyle's smaller one off of his mouth.

"_Help_ me?" he yelled, still in a frantic voice. "_HELP_ ME? You're trying to fucking _rape_ me!"

Kyle couldn't help but roll his eyes then. "I'm _not _trying to rape you, Cartman."

"Oh, oh, _really?_" Cartman asked, staring at Kyle with wild, scared eyes. "Well you know what?" And all of a sudden, Cartman's hands shot forward, forcefully grabbing onto Kyle's belt. He looked the shorter boy right square in the eyes, a new devious look on his face. He leaned in close to him. "Two can play at that game, Kahl."

Kyle's eyes narrowed, a low growl escaping his lips. He felt a rush of adrenaline shoot through his veins, and, acting out on his strong impulse, he threw himself at Cartman, forcing their lips to mesh together in a hot, angry kiss. Cartman's eyes shot open even wider than before as he let out a surprised, stifled scream of protest. Kyle merely reached up with both hands and tangled his fingers into Cartman's silky hair. He pushed his lips even deeper into Cartman's, hoping the other boy would stop trying to fight him and just go with it already. He felt the tight grasp on his belt start to loosen as Cartman's lips slowly began moving against his, much to Kyle's pleasant surprise. He smirked into the kiss, his thin fingers running back and forth through Cartman's hair, loving how unbelievably fucking soft it felt. He heard Cartman suddenly let out a deep moan, which in turn, caused Kyle to moan, his sounding a lot higher but also louder. He found himself quickly starting to lose his breath then, and he had no choice but to pull away for a moment, giving them both a chance to get some air.

They were staring at each other, both completely silent, aside from the sounds of their heavy panting. Kyle watched in mild annoyance as the sexy, stunned looked on Cartman's face somehow morphed into a more evil-looking one.

"Wow, Kahl," Cartman said in an almost mocking tone, "you're a horny little Jew, aren't you? I mean, I know I'm totally irresistible, but–"

"Shut up," Kyle snapped as he leaned forward, capturing Cartman's lips in yet another aggressive kiss. This time, however, his hands moved lower, cupping Cartman's chin(s) for a moment before he decided to slide them down even further. He felt Cartman's hands on his back, his huge body pressing into Kyle's much smaller one. Cartman started pushing himself more into Kyle, taking a few awkward steps away from the corner that he'd been pressed against for the past several minutes. Kyle stumbled backwards, still refusing to break the kiss as his hand flew back to grab onto the sink in order to keep his balance. His heart was pounding hard against his chest, making him feel _a lot_ friskier than he already was.

Just as things were really starting to heat up, there was a loud knock on the door. The two boys instantly broke apart when they heard it, looking over at the door and then at each other.

"K_yy_le? Are you in there?" came an annoying voice that belonged to none other than Kyle's cousin. "Your mother is looking _everywhere_ for you!"

"Shit," Kyle muttered in disappointment. "I'd better go, fatass."

Cartman frowned. "What, you're just gonna leave me in here by myself?"

"Why, you want me to _stay?"_ Kyle asked in a somewhat suspicious, somewhat amused tone.

Cartman's eyes widened again, giving him that fearful look that was so undeniably fucking _hot._

"Well, I mean…that…that _kiss_, and that…that, uh…" he trailed off, not even sure what he was trying to say.

Kyle arched an eyebrow at him.

"You liked it, huh?" he asked with a subtle smirk.

"Pssh, no," Cartman said, awkwardly diverting his gaze.

But Kyle knew he was lying.

"Well, thanks," he said as he reluctantly let go of Cartman and started walking over towards the door. "I've been practicing with Stan."

Cartman's mouth fell open, earning a laugh from Kyle.

"I'm kidding, dumbass," he said, unlocking the door. And as he opened it and walked out, leaving a shocked and confused Cartman behind, he couldn't help but think to himself:

Best. Birthday._ Ever._

* * *

**Author's Note:** Isn't Kyle's cousin Kyle fucking amazing? Like doesn't he just fill your heart with joy? XD

I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. As always, I'd love it if you'd leave a review letting me know what you thought of it. :)


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